Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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