is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
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You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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