I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
