I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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