TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
