Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
