I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
