Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
