I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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