I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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