so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
