it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
