I am in a vortex of obligation.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
