I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
