Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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