cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
