My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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