we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
