Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
