There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
