Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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