Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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