My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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