I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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