Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
