I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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