Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
