you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
