Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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