I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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