I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
