id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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