what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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