you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
