I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
