look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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