So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
