I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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