so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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