I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
