If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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