he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
