I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
