So drunk its hurt
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
