I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
birth control should be required to get into college
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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