Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
