my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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