God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
