Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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