Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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