i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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