I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
did i just pee glitter
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
