did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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