I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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