There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
