No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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