and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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