I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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